-friends

Oh to have loyal friends to hangout with-

I used to have circle of friends which I'm close to. Group N.

Nadia Nalisya Nisa. Nurin Nabila Nadhirah.

But having close friends make you have expectations and had you disappointed if it doesn't fulfill them. I used to have that. Expectations and hope.

But then, I was disappointed. I hate myself for feeling that way back then. I hate myself for falling into that pool of feels.

You can avoid feeling that feels, by having friends but not too close. But I guess I don't afford to have friends. I'm too broke to have friends. I can't hangout whenever I want just because they want. And I'll end up as the bad one.

And I have no friends. More to I cut ties with people(?) 

Maybe to avoid feeling expectations and hope that'll hurt me in ways. But I feel lonely. I do feel lonely.

But I couldn't trust anyone, either friends or family or strangers. It's very tiring to live like this.

I wish I can just release everything without having expectations on others. Be kind without reasons.

But I'm afraid. Terribly afraid. I'm a human too I guess.

I don't want people to know what I'm thinking and what I plan to do, but sometimes I want people to care.

It's complicated. I'm overwhelmed with emotions today. My mental health is not really good. Maybe because I'm lonely?

Seek for help, they say. I don't believe the therapists what can you say. I even doubt my doctors and lawyers.

Idk anymore. I want this feeling of distrust reduce by itself on certain point that it's needed.